iwanabe_skinny's journal

i dont want to jinx things but.... today has been better, hopefully i can keep this up!!!!

not saying anything else, no jinxing........!!!

after many days of crying and upset about me, my body, face and voice, iv decided to do a lttle excersice where i write what i think of my body(honestly and kindly)

from top to toe:
hair: thin and bushy, almost bald
forehead: massive and protruding
brains: stupid and annoying
eyebrows: what eyebrows? nothing there
eyes: alien like, HUGE(everyone always comments on them)
eyes: deep black eye bags
facial skin: wrinkly at 19
nose: massive and fat
lips and ears: weird
teath: big and ugly
voice: manly
neck: giraffe like
shoulders: huge built
breasts: saggy and stretchmarks
arms: flabbly
nails: weak
waist: huge
hips: massive- dont go there!
thighs: too painfull to mention
calves: saggy
feet: unbleiveabbly boney????

so that mainly sums me up......

i dont nderstand, everyone has something special about them i have NOTHING!

like, everyones either 1 of these:
- thin
-pretty with make up 
-pretty without makeup
-populer
-nice voice
-nice personality
-nice person
-willpower
-loved
-admired
-looked up2
-confident
-rich
-spoiled

list is endless!
WHY WHY WHY cant i have one thing????

i have all the worlds bad things happen to me!!!! i hate me and my life
i simply hate it!!!!!

  i need to get back on track
the last 8 months have been terrible!

a lots happened iv put on lots of weight, i cant seem to get back on track, nothings helping
things need to change

iv changed so much... i mean when i was a kid i was depresed and i never talked or anyhting, andi used to cry all the time, but when i hid my teenae years and started losing weight and stuff, i realy opened up and i felt, well normal...but these last year,,, iv noticed i cry all the time and im unhappy about everything!! and iv gained weight and iv gone silent, i dont talk to ANYONE!

my confidene is so low!!!

i need help to get back on track!!!!

anyone got any advice, please share!!!

thanks, love u all!  xxx

10 - 02 - 2008         7.30pm

entry i posted on proana forgot to update journal

currently: 153 lb (sobbing)

 i cant believe my stupid luck
nothing ever goes right for me

why me???

i hate this, my life everything thats going on\

why cant i be a normal girl?
somethings always holding me back

but lets forget everything in my life for a min and concentrate on FOOD
yes thats my worst enemy but at times my best freind

i dont know what to do

i cant stick to anything, i have no control

and IM A FAT PIG
UGLY FAT PIG
DJKDKJZGBFDZNHL

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGWHY CANT I DO THIS?
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING FAT?? 
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

AND SO EFFIN UGLLLLLLLLLLY
URGHHHH
I MAKE MYSELF SICK WEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR IM REVOLTING

 A STUPID EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING

YUP THAT ME


suppose i just have to get used to it........

im gana die this way!

 so my new 'plan'

i was thinking, im gana lose as much weight as i an by the 1st feb

after that i am going to work super hard and going to aim to lose about 15-20 lb in that month so that will justotivate me until the next month, im gna try my hardest EVER! iv never ev been soo motivated!!!!!!

so hopefully, ill be around  124-129 region and from feb on wards i can start losing it slower


i can do this
i will do this
because
i need to do this

for MANY reason including self acceptance

I WILL GET THERE.....!!!!!!!!!

I WILL.....!

 

well well well, its the new year! 

im feeling a bit happy, coz iv set new goals AND its a fresh start! but....
i should have reached these goals last year!

i suppose beggers cant be choosers!
 heres my goals

current weight: 10:7lb
height: 5'7"

target 1: 9st
target 2: 8:7lb
target 3: 8st


i think theyre realistic targets and i hope i can reach them within the nexty few moinths

i just hope things go as planned!

8 STONE HERE I COME!

(lol, just to motivate me! =/  )

  OMG!! FINALLY!!! IM BACK ON TRACK! YAYYYYYYY ME!!!!!!!!

WHOOSH, back on trac k after 5 bleeding months and iv gained 8 pounds in that time!!!!
NOW... its my second day and i lost a pound this morning and i KNOW ill lose a pound tmrw!!!
so yeah im on a roll! lets just hope i stay this way so i can get to my 8stone goal! 
mind you, i have had mega motivatition.. my ''competitior'' has lost like 5 stone and is so skinny!!! i HAVE to be skinnier!

right day 1

proud of myself and im not gana be hard on myself since i have been eating 2000+ cals for the past few months

breakfast: 2 toast, egg white, cheese and tea = 177cals

lunch: tea and a shortbread = 89 cals

supper: poached fish and vegatables = 161

snacks water and half bag of crisps = 58(prob less) 

total = 485cals


AND then the unimaginable happend....had to visit a freind and she forced some fried rice down me!! i mean litrally forced me and started going on bwt ma eating and me being obssesed and it wernt healthy, so i ate the bloody rice to shut her up!!!! urghhhh, im SO gana avoid her in the future!!!!!!!

so 485 and another 150 for the rice!(was less than a handfull) = 635......

think i should start again or go to day 2?

please god make this work for me!

ana's boot camp!

tmrws day 1!

i will and an do this!

i will get to 99lb!!!!

so im  back!!!!

god damn it! am i glad or what!

what can i say? i had the shitest 3 weeks ever! 

hmmm... mite as well say what happend! my brothers wife is currently living over there and so wen i got there she was there to greet me, we got home and irelised she kept giving me jibes esp infront of people, but i just stayed quite!
everytime she got the chance she called me a fatty and sed i was minging, i mean in private its ok, but she just went on infront of people, she used to stay stuff that stung and she new it, she wanted me to answer her back so we can kick off.
i swear she hurt me SOOOO much, her face wen she sed stuff, the other thing that wound me up was her attitude, i mean the women is 5'3 and weighs about 65kg bmi 25 (mine is 21.5) and she walked around like she was a supermodel, with her TIGHT clothes(masy i say her belly used to hang out) and then one day shes there acting clever and tries on my clothes! took her about 10 mins to fit in them and she just kept saying 'you need to lose weight you have a huge backside these clothes are massive'!(this was the women who was fighing to get in em!) so once she managed to get in em she got stuck, god it was hilarious, she got upset and just walked into another room! (yes my clothes were damaged) this still didnt get her to shut her trap, like we was getting ready for the wedding and i was about to get off and she started lafin and saying i needed to change coz my arse looked massive! man shes such a cow!

and the thing that really pissed me off was the fact that if she wanted shed act like your bestfreind and wen she wanted shed TOTALLY blank you, mind you i was blanked by her the most of the time i was there, i dont know what goes on in her head i mean iv seen her after what? 3 years? and im there for 3 weeks and she cant find it in her heart to be civil, i mean iv not done NOTHING to hurt her, im always buying her stuff and took loads of gifts wen i went to see her!

we was invited to dinner and luch a lot by distance relatives friends and family and the tradition was to stop over the night, and obviously i had no idea who these people wer and she did, so wen we got there she used to totally blank me and walk off and start chatting with the others and just left me there the whole time and wen it used to be time to leave she used to come over and talk to me, and yes eventually i started to ignore her, the last week i was there i TOTALLY BLANKED the bitch and just got on with my stuff and got ready to come back, seriously i never ate the whole time i was there and atleast iv come back 10 pounds lighter! 

i cant beleive her nerve i mean shes staying in MY HOUSE(well my mums) and she acted like i wasnt welcome! HELLO???? bitch!
wen she relised i wass ignoring her and the fact that wen my brother rang(her husband) i was clearly upset and iwanted to know what was wrong, she started being nice! giving me hugs and shit coz she knew she was in truoble if he found out she was bullying me! 
but then again the whole time i was there she stirred shit to my bro and he didnt want to chat to me and used to talk to her sisters but my other brother who came with told him i was upset so dats wen i talked to me. she even got my other brother on her side, and hes like my best friend but it hit him wen he me crying one day(this broither is whos wedding i went to)

i think i should stop now, its makeing me too upset and i just cant control the tears, time out, ill post later 

xxx

 so i found this on pro ana, i think im going to do this when i come back from hols

Ana Boot Camp

1: 500 calories(or less)
2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

weight this morning: 146.6 so i did lose but!!!!!!!

yes yes yes, i binged today AGAIN 

GOD DAMMIT! i dont know whats wrong with me! what the hekkkkkkkk

so tmrw im back to 147! 

on i brighter not just joined a new comminity thin_i_want, i think ill be getting back in control now, yeah... i know i say that all the time! but this time its diffrent...yeah... i say that all the time aswell!
they have a compatition on for wholloses the most by next friday, since im going away on sat...i think its exactly what i need! yay!!!!!!

 http://pics.livejournal.com/whannabeh100/gallery/0000s587?page=1

kkkkkk,i admit it! i pinched someones thinspo!!! the things i do for my journal readers and to stop myself from eating food!!!!

new goal weights:

sat 27 oct: 142

16 nov (after hols): 130

23 nov: 125

before xmas: 115

ill be changing to a lower weight wen iv reached that goal

so... i think im finally back n track even though i went to a part today, post my weight tmrw, i think iv lost...fingers crossed...

im starting to relax now..... because im back!

neways dont think iv mentioned im going on holidays next friday,,, hope ill lose atleast 7 pounds by then!!!!!

 im a loser with no control...

:,(